Let’s talk gender!
I'm having a hard time identifying myself. I've pretty much accepted that I'm into girls, so that was the first step, and I told my parents when I got a girlfriend. I don't really know what to do now. Some days I feel very feminine, other days masculine. I've considered the word genderfluid, but I'm not sure. I think I'm mostly scared of what others might say. I don't want all the hassle of people having to call me by another name than the one I was born with. But I'd like it if it were normal for girls my age not to wear make-up, not to shave, and to have a boyish clothing style - then I would feel most comfortable. I don't want to change my body, the way it looks naked. Or kind of. I'd like to have a binder, so I could flatten my chest, but not anything else. I'm okay with that. But I don't know how to talk to my mom about it. She thinks I'm too masculine in my expression. I hope you can help.
- Girl, 16
These are the words of a 16-year-old girl who wrote to the counsellors at the Danish online counselling platform Cyberhus, run by the Centre for Digital Youth Care, the Danish partner in the UP4Diversity project. The service provides anonymous online counselling for children and youth aged 9-23.
The girl expresses some of the struggles faced by non-gender-conforming youth - how difficult it can be to talk about their feelings, and the fear of being misunderstood. She seems comfortable being "somewhere in between", but is constantly told she is not feminine enough, that she fails to meet others' expectations of how a girl "should be", and thus is misunderstood and excluded.
As adults, when we dismiss gender, sexual and identity-related exploration as "just a phase", we risk fueling feelings of confusion or shame in young people. They may grow up afraid to be themselves, fearing rejection instead of acceptance. For many adults, embracing rather than excluding can be difficult - in those cases, seeking advice from experts in gender diversity (whether through professional or lived experience) can help.
Most young people spend their youth trying to fit in while remaining true to themselves. Yet the human need for belonging often outweighs the need for authenticity. That is why we must create space for diversity, for all genders, sexualities, ethnicities, races, and identities.
Openness and sincere curiosity are key when meeting people who do not conform to traditional gender norms.
The best way to start is early:
Create safe spaces where children and youth can talk about who they are, what they feel, and what they experience. Ask open and genuine questions, set aside your own assumptions or biases, and listen - really listen.
Listening may not be easy, especially if you don't fully understand what the other person is saying. But when you truly listen, you show that you care, respect, and acknowledge them - even if your values or expectations differ.
This is what we do at Cyberhus: we meet those seeking help with openness and curiosity, always acknowledging them as the experts in their own lives.
